YES! YES! YES!

rsmellette

Just got this from ... MY AGENT!

"I'm delighted to be returning your manuscript, with my edits in Track
Changes. I fell in love with the story all over again, and with your voice
and writing style, and want to officially extend to you an offer of
representation."

Since we're all about helping each other around here, this is how I landed the agent.

1) sent out a bunch of bad query letters - got some requests for fulls and partials, but a lot of passes, including one from the agent I'll be signing with.

2) found this place, polished my query, synopsis, elevator pitch, etc. The latter would become the most important.

3) sent out new query letter (which I'll attach below) and got several requests for fulls.

3) went to the BEA/Writer's Digest Writer's Conference in New York to participate in their "Pitch Fest." My plan was to meet the agents who had already requested fulls, and also pitch agents that I hadn't contacted.

AT THE CONFERENCE: I was second in line to talk to an agent that had my full MS. The agent next to her had no one in line, so I said, "I have a young adult sci-fi."

"Is it female oriented?"

"It's Xena: Warrior Princess meets Star Wars" (which is my elevator pitch).

"Yeah, okay, I'll listen to that."

So I sat down and we talked for 3 minutes. She requested a full.

A few weeks later asked if we could work together unsigned. She wanted to take some time with it, give me some edits, etc. Since I was free to pursue other agents, I didn't have anything to lose - so for the past few weeks I've been "all but signed" with her.

And now, I have an offer. I'm SOOOO happy.

Thanks everyone here for the help. I hope my story will do you as much good as you guys have done me.

rsmellette

Here's the last version of my query letter - even if it was the elevator pitch that got the read. I think it should be tradition to post your last letter once you don't need it anymore.


Among a set of ancient ruins on a distant planet, you find a girl's diary. The first entry is a warning:

"If you’re reading this and I’m not dead, then get out of my stuff. If you’re reading this and I am dead, then you should know that the population of five different planets say I’ll be resurrected and I'm coming back to kick your butt. If you’re reading this and you’re Hannah, then forgive me."

You've just begun your journey into HANNAH'S ADVENTURES IN SPACE.

As Watson wrote of Holmes, Carraway of Gatsby, Nadir Alotus writes of her exploits with the infamous space pirate, Hannah. They meet at her mother's funeral. Nadir's father, fatally ill diplomat Sir Janus Alotus, hires Hannah to take Nadir to her grandparents and him to a last tête-à-tête with his mortal enemy, Admiral Ren. The memoir blasts us into space as they fight off Hannah's old suitor, Derek, discover Hannah's lost past, help Nadir's father with his sacrificial execution, and inadvertently start a war when they reveal the secret of THE MORIAN TREASURE.

Spawned from my experience on XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS, where I worked as a writer's assistant, Golden Reel-winning ADR scribe, and author of "The Xena Scrolls" for Universal New Media's website, Hannah is an old-fashioned, Dumas-esque, action-adventure with a cliff-hanger at every chapter break. I've used technology and physics the way Rowling does magic, to create a world of soothsaying Ticklers, a flying teenaged girl, a giant mechanical panther for transportation, surfing in space, a new religion, a dimension without Time, a dark heroine, and a father's love.

Wanna read it?

suemarnitz

OH. MY. GOD.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO excited for you. You are so deserving and I am thrilled, thrilled, thrilled. I wish you the very best, and I can't wait to hear you say your agent sold it. You must be floating. Thanks for posting your query, too. It's very good, just what I'd expect from you. Congratulations, rs!!!

TK Richardson

Hey CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
You worked hard and it payed off! Way to go!! :D

butterflykisses

It couldn't have happened to a better man, RS--Congratulations, and welcome aboard.

BK

butterflykisses

Passing the Champagne----->

BK

jrmcclarren

Absolutely outstanding. Exactly what we are all working toward, and to see one of us actually nail it - great. Way to go.

rbattles

RS,

My nipples are hard and I'm a heterosexual ! ! ! Way to go man. I'm so happy to see that your hard work and due diligence have paid off. Please keep us informed of your progress.

We're rooting for you.

Rodney

susanjake

This is SO exciting!! You've been so dedicated to this site and helpful to others. VERY well deserved. I remember how you came back from the conference and told us about your elevator pitch. We can't wait to see your book on the shelves---and many more after that!

jeanoram

Put me on the 'buy the book' list, RS. I'm there!

Super-congratulations. I am so happy to see you've found an agent. That is fan-freaking-tabulous. I knew you could do it. It was just a matter of time.

All the best, RS!

Good stuff!

MarcyKate

Congratulations, RS!!!! What fantastic and uplifting news! You absolutely deserve it!

Put me on the "Buy the book" list too! I've seen you post your elevator pitch and snippets from your query letter before and I've been rooting for you because I'm absolutely dying to read your book ("Xena meets Star Wars" is combination of two of my favorite things). It just sounds like such a fun read - I'm not surprised an agent finally agreed!

gpfile

OH MY GOD!!!!! YAY YAY YAY...*Dancing around the office* I WILL FINALLY GET TO READ ALL OF "HANNAH" YIPPEEEEE!!! Definitely put me on that "Buy the book list"... ack, Im so excited I can barely type!
YIPPEE, YIPPEE...
Way to go RS. You totally deserve it! Hopefully you'll still indulge us "unsigned" writers with your awesome games and help! :) YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

(okay, now I really need to get my butt out of AK and down to one of them Darn conferences...)

Naya Lionsong

Wow! Congrat! That's so awesome... I'm hooked too. I'd love to be on your "buy the book" list!

thrownbones

DUDE!! Congrats!!

I'm so VERY happy for you! I've really dug the pieces you've put up, and how strong the voice is. This is a great moment for you! Celebrate to the fullest!

Again: CONGRATS!!!! Another one of us gets repped! WooHOO!!!!

/parties...

And man... that opening paragraph to your query? AWESOME!!!! That rocks!

rsmellette

Thanks everybody... :D

I have a feeling this is going to be a good weekend.

simon barkley

RS

I'm new to the site, but the excitement for your achievement is palpable, literally. My Blackberry is buzzing like a Norelco and every message is congrats to you. I can't help but join the celebration.

Thanks for sharing yourself with all of us who hope to join you. I can't wait for the book and the movie!

Simon

Pick 34

Congrats, being relatively new to this site, I've heard next to nothing about Hannah. But with what I read in the query she sounds like a firecracker. May this just be the beginning of your success.

P.S. Love me som Xena.

Peter Morin

"Wanna read it?"

The meat of the query is brilliant, but that closer gives me goose bumps.

Bravo!!!!

rsmellette

Thanks, Peter - I felt that way when I first wrote it.

I did have an agent respond with, "In a word, yes."

She later passed.

rahmama

Very cool. Thanks for posting your successful query and the 'map' of your learning curve.
Celebrate!

andreawd

RS - Awesome news, and thanks so much for sharing the highs and lows with us!
Can't wait till it's on the shelves. It will be a sincere treat to purchase the book and enjoy the read.
I am going to open a brand-new bottle of wine and make a toast in your honor tonight, to which my husband is going to say, "Who??" But once I explain, he'll be stoked for you, as well.

Donald Riggio

Guess you could say you're riding that elevator to the stars !!!

Congrats & Write-On
Donald

PamelaG

wow! wow! that is beyond fantastic! love your pitch, your query and your 'steps' to success! congratulations! you've just achieved the dream! :)

Cate Woods

RS- I'm damn near crying in my Doritos right now. I've already got my sleeping bag and pillow ready to camp out at B&N for your release.

Echoing someone before, "Yay, I finally get to read the whole thing!"

You rock my socks off!

sharon26

Happy Dance time!! Awesome news, RS. I'm so very happy for you :)

I'm another who can't wait to read all of Hannah! We'll storm the bookstores on the release date!

DarkLight

Echoing all the previous congratulations and appreciation for the roadmap of experience. I can't say how cool it is to see someone take the next step!

Any chance it'll be an e-book too?

litgal

Hey RS -- Congratulations! You were SO DUE for this. I totally sensed this coming. After all, your now offical agent was putting a lot of time in with you. So happy for you, and welcome to the RBUs (repped but unpubbed) Litgal

Jackie Doud

Well done Mr. R.S. Mellett! Your querry is a gem! Thanks for sharing your adventure in the story's creation and, hope to see it on the big screen next year.

lisasue

Yay! Had a feeling that you would nab one. Congrats!

Jenny Martin

FTW! How utterly awesome! We are all so excited and proud to hear this! I'm grinning from ear to ear. Please keep us posted on the progress of the project.

Super chuffed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jfredlee

Damn, RS -

That's incredibly good news and I'm totally tickled for you!

You've got a great tale and voice. Had a feeling it was only going to be a matter of time for you.

You damn well better have a good weekend (we'll be checking). I mean, right now you've got to be happier than the 7th Cavalry trooper whose horse zigged when Custer zagged.

Take some time to revel in this, RS.

You have soooo earned it.

Major congrats, my man.

-Jeff

Suzanne Payne

I'm new to this site, but I've seen some of the things you've critiqued. I loved your query letter...I didn't know we could be so forward and ask them if they wanted to read it...LOVE THAT!
Congratulations! Are you going to still hang out with us here? we'd love to hear about the process AFTER you get repped. Way to go!

cianoh

Brilliant! Wonderful news. Here's to a quick sale and much future success.

CherylD

Yay, RSM! Sounds like you'll have a lot of people waiting to read this, including me!

Congratulations again! You certainly deserve them.

madison.edgar

I literally just got tears in my eyes! So happy for you RS.... I knew you'd be successful and I can't wait to read it!

Cate Woods

Hmmm, notice he's silent this early morning? Bet he rolls in here with confetti in his hair, lipstick on his collar and alcohol on his breath...

thrownbones

I bet he's in Los Angles County for drunk in public and indecent exposure.

thrownbones

And really though, one of what I feel is the strongest things to take away from rs's experience is the power of A STRONG VOICE. His work, and especially that query, have an incredibly singular VOICE. That grabs people's attention, especially agent's attention. Rs knows his sh*t.

rsmellette

Send bail money to the LA County Jail. :)

Seriously, thanks everyone. Couldn't have done it without a lot of help from some terrific people - including all of you.

Now the next level of work begins, as a many of you here know.

kdjameson

wow. just . . . wow. rs, you were one of the first of what became the "old guard" who I met in this community. I remember when you first put up your query and there were big discussions about quoting from your own book. And I see you kept that paragraph and . . . it worked. Because it's a killer of a quote. As others have said, what makes it stand out is that . . . voice. And I think you've also proved that it's so important to have all areas covered - the query, the tag line, the pitch, the ability to present yourself in person to agents, and the ability to make an opportunity work for you - all of it. You prepared yourself really, really well and that's a good lesson for all of us.

Even if it isn't a genre that some people here read, I think every one of us has said we would absolutely read it. We feel a proprietary interest in Hannah! The money is yours, natch;-) As much as one can know someone online, it's so clear that you poured yourself into Hannah - that funny, snarky, laid back but tell it like it is voice is you. Sooooo you, lol!

My deepest and most heartfelt congratulations to you. Bask in the moment before the next wave of work and enjoy this to the very fullest. I feel so incredibly happy and pleased for you.

kd

[Updated on 10/3/2009 2:30 PM]

Diana N. Robicheaux

HAPPY!!! HAPPY!!! JOY!!! JOY!!! YIPEEE!!! YA-HOOO!!! and a HIP, HIP, HURRAY!!!!! =) =) =)

If you can't tell, I'm soooo happy for you, RS!! Virtual hugs and pats on the back to you=)

Since BK brought champaigne and Cate has Doritos, I'm presenting chicken wings and let's party in your honor! CONGRATS!!!!!!!

Diana R.

jfredlee

What the hay, RS -

This really is terrific news, and I'm totally tickled for you.

And as long as BK and Cate are supplying the party materials, I'll volunteer to be your virtual
designated driver.

Hey, you've more than earned it.

-Jeff

dcamardo

Congrats and best wishes.

chopsaw

RS congrats! That's great news.

countrymouse

YAY RS! Good for you. :)

JulieoftheShire

Congratulations! Break out the bubbly ; )

Charlie Eve

Congrats!! That is wonderful news!!

yvonnetherese

I just discovered this thread and will simply add my congratulations.

I remember that line from the first time I read your query: "If you’re reading this and I’m not dead, then get out of my stuff."

And that's good stuff.

Did you really end it like that??
I think that's what it takes.....stepping outside the line, just a little.

Best to you.

rsmellette

Yes, I really did end it with that - and while that query letter did get me a lot of requests, I should point out that it's not what got the request that eventually landed me representation. That was a conference - which I've become a big fan of. Agents find it harder to turn you down in person. ;)

dcamardo

That's hilarious. Everytime I've read the "Wanna read it?" I thought you were being cute for our purposes, you know, like how everyone puts something like "Dear Mr. Wonderful Agent" or something. And although it didn't land you the agent, it clearly did it's job, which is the requests. That's what the query letter is really for.

Aside from that, I find the start of your query pretty unorthodox, which proves the true subjectivity when approaching the query letter.

Quick question about the book, does it start with the very first line, or does it start with what you have in quotes? Just curious.

rsmellette

It starts with what I have in quotes.

I've toyed with the idea of doing a forward that tells the story of me finding two CD's in the 1970's (before the technology existed) after a total eclipse. One CD turns out to be a traveler's guide to earth, including translations of "Merchant" into English. The other CD is the book you're reading - which may be an actual journal, or a novel, no one knows.

The idea being that our eclipses are as unique to the Universe as, say Niagra Falls are to earth. That's actually, true - the fact that the moon is exactly the right size at the right distance to block the sun but not the carona (or whatever it's called) is a one in a billion chance occurance. So, if aliens are going to come to earth, chances are that's what they'd come to see.

One of them left something behind.

cherose

Hi, all:

Here's my enquiry letter, please read it and critique it. I THINK it's ok, but then it's MY letter, too!

Dear {agent name}:

Being a vet with a rural practice isn’t an easy job for a woman, and R. E. O’Higgins knows that all too well. When the practice is in the process of being rebuilt after a devastating hurricane, it’s harder, and when the practice is equally owned by a gay man and his husband, and her wife is an engineer with secrets, it’s even harder. Add in that there are strange creatures showing up all over the place, and interesting times are ahead for all concerned.

When RE and Henry get a hysterical call from one of the few remaining ranchers on the peninsula claiming that he’s shot something that he’s never seen before, they go down to meet him and encounter something that has never been seen in this world. It’s a feathered lizard, something out of legend and nightmare, and they don’t know where it came from or what to do about finding it and its mates.

In the meantime, there’s the perfect retired schoolteacher’s perfect new boyfriend, a physics problem that might be causing problems with temporal rifts, and more of the strange creatures showing up and wreaking havoc among the livestock. When the two human-appearing cross-temporal agents reveal themselves and they and the vets start trying to round up both the creatures and their eggs, things get even more interesting.

The vets and the cross-temporal agents, not to mention the two physics engineers, are in for even more interesting times as the two worlds try to interact without people finding out about the temporal holes and the creatures that are crossing through them. All of them are searching for solutions in this 100,000 word science fiction/fantasy novel, DARK QUEEN OF THE PENINSULA.

I’ve been writing a blog for several years, have had several articles published on E-How and won an award for best traditional poem while still in college. This is my first fiction novel.

Thank you for both your time and your consideration.

Sincerely,

Wilma Howe-Bennett

jeanoram

Hey, RS. I know the query didn't get you your agent, but I'm curious how many you sent out in total. You know, to inspire the rest of us to keep plugging. :)

jeanoram

Cherose, you might want to start your own thread for your query. In the Query Critique Group, click on the 'start new discussion' button. Then copy and paste your query into the thread of your making, just like you did here.

rsmellette

Ah, the stats... :) So happy to read those, knowing that they don't matter anymore.

I sent a total of 127 queries. I got 13 requests (partials or fulls) for a 10% request percentage.

Interestingly, I got 11% reqests on my really bad "bullet point" query.

The query letter I posted here got 15% requests out of 27 submissions.

jeanoram

Cool. Thanks! Your bullet query was interesting, if nothing else and a good way to catch attention. I think you're credentials helped in all versions. Having the script win a contest--golden! :) Can't wait to hear more on your journey. Do you need to do many edits? (I can't imagine seeing how much you've done over the past year or so.)

dcamardo

Could I ask if there was any snail mail sent? (Query letters, not partials/fulls)

rsmellette

I had about 7-10 snail mail queries, mostly toward the end as I ran out of e-mail YA / Sci-Fi agents.

Jean - not a lot of changes. She's very good about pointing out what I call notches - places where you can open up to squeeze in a little more story. I have a couple of those. Clearing up one character's threw line, a few tense corrections, all small stuff.

jeanoram

Glad to hear it. :)

Cate Woods

Interesting things here, rs.

Keep us posted so we know what we can look forward to.

suemarnitz

Hi rs, I was looking over your query to find your word count, because I'm trying to decide where to put mine, and I didn't see it. Did you put it in the subject line?

rsmellette

Yeap. I put the Title, Genre Age (YA) and word count in the subject line of an e-mail query and the RE line of snail mail.

thrownbones

Dude, you don't have to do many edits? That's so cool! I'm very happy for you.

Julie Waters

From a newbie-Congrats RS! I've read many of your critiques, and it doesn't surprise me one bit that you've received representation. Your advise always has me nodding as I read it! I can't wait to pay my dues on AQ so I can someday post my query or first chapter for you and all the others. With the exception of BilljustBill, (lol) I value each and every post on here. I have received so much helpful information already! Again...hip hip hooray! You did it!

c.taylor

How on earth did I miss this thread???? I'm so sorry! A HUGE CONGRATS!!!!!! Well deserved!! Everything you've posted here has been fantastic, so I can't say I'm terribly surprised. Just fantastic, rs!!!!

And not many edits? Even better! Can't wait for the book!! WOOHOO!!

Fragments

Thanks for bringing this thread back to the surface! I am new to the site and have already found RS to be very helpful and deserving. Congrats! It's nice to know it actually happens.

rsmellette

I'll give you guys about a year to stop this... all the thanks keep me grinning through my day job.

Charlie Eve

Ditto what Fragments said!!! Congrats RS..almost every time I read a post by you, I learn something new. Thanks!!